Category — Unclassified

Are you a Bionic Genius? Take our test and find out!

1. How much of your body is made up of bionic (i.e. non-organic) matter?

A. 100%

B. 75%

C. 50%

D. 25%

E. It’s a violation of my rights to ask this question

2. Which best describes your memory:

A. Steel trap

B. Rusty cage

C. Broken

D. Breached dam

E. Highly selective (remember trivia, not important stuff)

F. Lowly selective (remember important stuff, not trivia)

3. If you knew you were going to be shipwrecked alone on a desert island, what would you take along?

A. CD collection and player

B. DVD collection and player

C. Book collection

D. Suntan lotion

E. High-powered short-wave radio

F. None of the above-I’d stay home

4. Rate the following for hokiness/classic status (1 being classic, 5 being hokey):

A. Captain and Tenille (excluding Muskrat Love) ___

B. Tony Orlando and Dawn ___

C. Tom Jones ___

D. Wayne Newton ___

E. Heart ___

5. Rate the following movies from worst to best, 5 being worst and 1 being best:

A. Cocktail

B. Star Wars The Phantom Menace

C. Jiminy Glick in Lalawood

D. Big Mama’s House

E. Cheaper By the Dozen (remake starring Steve Martin)

6. Which of the following statements is/are true:

A. Santa Claus is a vampire

B. The Easter Bunny is on the payroll of the America Dental Association

C. As a baby, Michael Jackson was abducted by aliens and replaced with a Martian

D. Interns are expendable

E. All of the above

7. (Men only) If you were a female impersonator, whom would you impersonate?

A. Marilyn Monroe

B. Bette Midler

C. Barbra Streisand

D. Joan Rivers

E. Nathan Lane

8. (Women only) If you were a male impersonator, whom would you impersonate?

A. Nathan Lane

B. Matthew Broderick

C. Michael Jackson

D. Elijah Wood

E. Melissa Etheridge

9. Your pet of choice would be:

A. Dog

B. Cat

C. Fish

D. Hamster

E. Princess Leia

10. Favorite Bionic Genius:

A. Alan

B. Roy

C. Terry

D. Alajandro the intern

E. Josh the intern

Answers: 1, E; 2, E; 3, F; 4, A-1 B-5 C-1 D-5 E-5; 5, A-5 B-5 C-5 D-5 E-5; 6, E; 7, E; 8, E; 9, E; 10, E.

Are you genius enough?
TAKE THE TEST.

The Frederick and Floyd Expedition:

SUMMARY

A fopish banker escaping his past and his big, dumb brother falling and breaking things. This is the untold story of a previously unknown pair of brothers whose presence for at least a part of the great Lewis and Clark Expedition is bringing some shocking revision to frontier history. Frederick and Floyd shared the ups and downs of the expedition’s trip west, but, for some reason, disappeared before the remaining members of the expedition turned for home. This new chapter in American history is the result of an accidental discovery in the vaults of the Bionic Geniuses, hosts of the Bionic Genius Roundtable…

Even more mystifying is the fact that the author of the journal, Roy’s ancestor Frederick Phlegmbottoms, does not appear on any lists of members of the Corps of Discovery. There are records of such a person, a flamboyantly gay banker, having to flee Philadelphia for undisclosed reasons, along with his large and rather thick-headed brother Floyd, an ancestor of Alan’s, about the time the expedition was being put together. It is believed the Phlegmbottoms fled the city in the company of Meriwether Lewis and joined the expedition, although why their names never appear in any expedition records may forever remain a mystery.

Some historians from the explain this by steadfastly refuting the newly-found journal as a fake. More open-minded historians, however, are enthusiastic in their acceptance of the document, and accuse the opposition of sexual historical elitism.

The debate is raging over whether or not the journal should be published next year; we thought we would share several excerpts to get feedback on this touchy question. Here are dramatic readings of some of the more interesting entries:

May 3, 1804: Started out today. I looked smashing in a purple overcoat with embroidered cuffs and yellow epaulets. My brother Floyd, seeing a bunny rabbit on shore and forgetting where he was, stepped out of the boat and into the middle of the river. Once we pulled him back aboard, he discovered that heavy rowing kept him warm but not dry. I discovered that getting close to Captain Clark accomplished both-without the rowing.

July 2, 1804: Hands and lips chapped beyond belief, hair a mess, wig lost, snatched from my very head by a mean-looking wading bird with a bill the size of Floyd’s forearm. Speaking of my brother, he saw a bunny rabbit and decided he wanted a pet. He chased rabbit three miles. I chased Floyd two miles before stumbling across some plants I recognized. They were excellent. Floated above the prairie for undetermined amount of time before being found and soundly admonished by Captain Lewis (who then took the rest of the plants for himself).

August 15, 1804: Another day, another hangnail. Floyd received several splinters while sitting in a particularly rough spot and rowing. I tweezed them out. A brother’s work is never done. Tried several times to get Captain Clark to sit in same spot. No luck.

May 7, 1805: Ran out of rations. Everyone blamed Floyd, there were threats about his winding up on the dinner menu. I rescued him by administering a bitch-slap to Captain Lewis and performing various favors. Floyd sealed the deal when he tripped and fell on several buffalo, killing them and securing supper for all.

June 1, 1805: Ate buffalo tongue again today. Would give my custom calfskin high heel boots and leather longjohns for a decent kidney pudding and bottle of claret. Floyd fell and hit his head while chasing a bunny. No damage to Floyd or the bunny; however, one broken oar and a severely bent rifle. After the incident, I found myself thinking again of Lars and St. Louis.

June 20, 1805: Whoever said adventure is romantic never spent days on end cooped up in small boats with rugged outdoorsmen who haven’t bathed in several weeks. No, wait … on second thought, it is romantic!

August 20, 1805: That Shoshone slut Sacagawea has her nose so far up Captain Clark’s behind that there’s no room for anyone else. She’s an “interpreter” like I’m a “rifleman.” But at least her hubby, who has a lot of time on his hands, is handsome in a roguish sort of way, and isn’t very picky after a few rounds of the brandy I smuggled along in my powder horn.

October 2, 1805: Reaching the Pacific Ocean has not helped. Salt air does wonders for my skin, but the constant rain and damp does nothing for my poor, unconditioned hair. Floyd unimpressed, no bunny rabbits in the ocean, he said.

February 1, 1806: Captain Lewis offered to allow some of us to go back home via a ship that appeared offshore. I decided to take him up on it. Although Floyd and I stood on the beach for several hours, Floyd slouched in his usual manner but me resplendent in an orange-fringed buckskin outfit with matching moccasins, the crew apparently never looked toward shore, for they sailed off without so much as a howdy-do.

May 1, 1806: No food again. The Captains plan to start back soon, but all are so tired that without some decent meat-and-potatoes meals, I don’t think we’ll make it. As I write it has grown quiet, and everyone is staring at Floyd and me. Captain Clark and several others are approaching, armed with clubs and knives. I hear firewood being chopped, and one of the cooks has gone outside to prepare the kettle. They say they are going out on a hunt, and wish Floyd and me to come along. I don’t see much sense in it, but agree. Perhaps I can whip up some of my famous duck a la Frederick, although those clubs won’t help nab us a duck very easily.

Bionic Genius Note: The journal of Frederick Phlegmbottoms mysteriously ends at this point. It is believed that both Phlegmbottoms may have died during the hunting expedition mentioned in the final entry, although there is no explanation about why Lewis and Clark would not have made mention of Frederick, Floyd, or their apparent deaths (see opening comments above).

We all have aspirations. Inspiration. Perspiration. Alienation.
The Bionic Geniuses have all of these, wrapped into a single, mind-blowingly psychotic effort: Chasing Jon Stewart.

Chasing Jon Stewart is our bionic effort to accomplish one of three things:

(1) Get the Bionic Genius Roundtable mentioned on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart; (2) Get the Bionic Geniuses guest slots on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart; or (3) Get the Bionic Geniuses a recurring segment on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

We are Bionic Geniuses, ‘tis true, but you can help.

If you know someone who knows someone who knows someone who might have some connection to someone with a connection to someone at Comedy Central, The Daily Show or Jon Stewart, put us in touch with that person.

Why, you may ask, are we undertaking this effort? Why are we Chasing Jon Stewart? Why climb a mountain? Why whistle while you work? Why do birds suddenly appear any time you are near? We don’t know, but this just seemed like a cool thing to try and accomplish—after all, we love The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and we think the show could use a little more Bionic Geniusness.

It’s said that none of us are separated by more than six degrees; let’s prove it!

By the way, if Jon Stewart’s too busy, we might consider a shot on the Colbert Report.

LOG

Log Entry 05 | January 18, 2006: Called Comedy Central. This time, a real person answered. Changed shorts, asked for publicity department. Left message asking for an interview with Jon Stewart. Later, off-air,” we were referred via e-mail to Jon Stewart’s PERSONAL publicist. Now within one quarter of one degree. Awaiting official smackdown.

Log Entry 04 | January 11, 2006: Called Comedy Central. Voice mail system picked up. Tried spelling Jon Stewart’s name in the automated directory, but the name was rejected as not being in the directory. Perhaps Jon Stewart doesn’t really exist–maybe he’s a computer animation?

Log Entry 03 | January 4, 2006: First entry of the New Year, still no progress. Spoke with Drew Carey, who turned out not to be the TV Drew Carey but Drew Carey, radio producer (of the Bob and Tom Radio Show). Drew had no contacts, and no suggestions about where to go next. Alan, Roy and Terry decided their next move should be to call someone who’s actually in New York, where The Daily Show is produced.

Log Entry 02 | December 28, 2005: Spoke with Movie and TV producer Kacy Andrews, who was associate producer of Playing by Heart, a 1998 movie in which Jon Stewart appeared. She has no current contacts with Jon, and no advice as to where to go next. To avoid the stench of failure beginning to wrap itself around the project, Roy and Alan denied any involvement in Chasing Jon Stewart, and placed all the blame on Terry.

Log Entry 01 | December 20, 2005: Other than a jingle, no progress. Roy reported spinning his wheels. Alan noted several Jon Stewarts in the area telephone directory, but none of them are related to Jon Stewart of The Daily Show. “Chasing Jon Stewart” appeared to already be losing steam. To perk things up, Terry wrote a theme song for Chasing Jon Stewart, and tried out a couple of verses. No perking up was noticeable.

Curious Star Wars fans like ourselves are scratching our heads about this Special.
The Star Wars Holiday Special, a made for TV program originally aired on November 17, 1978.

Painful as it may be, we offer you the link to view this special first-hand.

The Bionic Geniuses are not responsible for lost or damaged lunch resulting in the viewing of this holiday special. The Bionic Geniuses cannot be held responsible for any injuries or deaths incurred by participants visiting this link.

You’ve been warned. Now go.

As announced in The Lutefisk Issue, podcast 0000005, we’re running a contest for our listeners to submit their best depiction of lutefisk.

Great entries so far! You people are incredibly creative.
We would like for our listeners to vote on the entries.

Now on with the entries… [Read more →]

By popular demand, we offer you the chance to sport your own Santa Vampire T-Shirt!
Head over to The Store for the Bionically Challenged and buy yours now!

The Bionic Genius Company Store is now open! Head on over to: cafepress.com/bionicgenius

As featured in podcast episode 0000005 The Lutefisk Issue
If I told you there was a man who never seemed to die but lived on century after century, crept about only at night, snuck into our homes through the use of magic, could command animals, kept small people as slaves, could fly through the night sky and had a fascination with children, naturally you’d think I was describing a vampire. But NO! That’s a description of Santa Claus. So, is Santa Claus a vampire? Let’s look at some disturbing facts…

There are several different legends and folktales that make up the modern day depiction of Santa Claus but many of those folktales can be traced back to Europe several centuries ago. This was a time when the dark forests of Europe were rife with vampires the way we have squirrels today. In fact, a certain man known as Vlad “The Impaler” Tepes ruled in the Balkans in the mid-15th century. It could just be a coincidence that Santa Claus was becoming well-known during this time but…

[Read more →]

the Bionic Genius | Lutefisk Artwork Contest

The Bionic Geniuses are sponsoring their first-ever contest. No, that’s no lye-there’s nothing fishy going on-we’re looking for your lutefisk-related artwork!

After our fascinating interview with Mike the lutefisk expert (episode 5), we thought it would be great to see how lutefisk might inspire your artistic side.

Save your art as a jpeg or pdf and e-mail it to roundtable@bionicgenius.com. Or, if it’s an audio piece, call 1-206-NOODLE-6 and leave it on our voicemail.

The winner will be posted on our Web site, and the artist will receive some sort of prize we haven’t worked out yet, plus an appearance on the Bionic Genius Roundtable.

RESULTS POSTED HERE.

Hermie, of course, is the elf made famous by the Rankin and Bass television special, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. If you recall, Hermie (NOT Herbie, as many people mistakenly call him) wanted to be a dentist, not a toymaker like all the other elves. Everyone made fun of Hermie, until he helped save the day by pulling the Abominable Snowman’s teeth and rendering him harmless.

After the story covered by the special, Hermie did indeed go to dental school, where he graduated at the top of his class. He returned to the North Pole to marry Suzy, the little doll who cried ice cubes from the Island of Misfit Toys, and opened the first dental practice in the area. It turns out to have been a shrewd business move. All that Christmas candy meant a lot of cavities. Hermie got rich and retired from dentistry in 1982. Still young for an elf (280 years old in 2005), Hermie and Suzy (who retained her youth thanks to the cosmetic surgery skills of the toymaking elves) split their time between their summer home at the South Pole, and their home at the North Pole. Hermie volunteers as a toymaker to help Santa out, which more and more retired elves are doing to help Santa compete with Asian competition.

This page dedicated to the original potted meat, the Lutefisk.

Translated, lutefisk means lye fish, which refers to the process of soaking dry fish in lye solution.

While we’ve never tried the Norwegian delicacy, it must truly be something.
We talked with Mike at Mike’s Fish & Seafood, Inc. about this amazing treat!
Hop over to listen to the podcast: EPISODE 0000005 The Lutefisk Episode.

Visit Mike’s for more Lutefisk information!

Here are just enough links to matter:

Wikipedia on Lutefisk
Mike’s Lutefisk
Rich Tosches who writes for the Colorado Springs Gazette Telegraph
The Unofficial Lutafisk Website
Lutefisk Recipes
Madison, MN Lutefisk Capital, USA!

Snow Globes and You: Why Should You Care?
Educational filmstrip from the archives.
12.01.2005 | MP3 format | 2.4MB | Mono

Ballad of Billy Bass – Terry Coffey | Kämmërõrchêstër Orchestral Mix
Terry sings about the gift he wants the most.
12.08.2005 | MP3 format | 2.4MB | Stereo

Luke from the Cutting Room Floor – Episode 0000032
We had to pull this out of the show. Oooh! Will that start a controversy?
06.23.2006 | MP3 format | 2.66MB | Mono

So you’ve been to sites where the site owner is really obsessed with a particular subject.
We’ve seen a few that we’ve listed below. If you find some that make your jaw hit the roundtable, send them in via the comment link below.

{roy} This is a large site devoted to studying the movie “The Dark Crystal”. Someboby has put A LOT of time into this. gelflingcollege.com

{alan} A Boy and His Burrito. This guy like burritos. “I spend a lot of time with burritos. They don’t judge me. I don’t judge them.” boyandhisburrito.com

{alan} the LARP LUMP. I think it’s best to lump these into one bucket of links. Live Action Role Players are obsessive, as this is the whole idea.
From wikipedia: A live action role-playing game (or LARP as it is often known) is a form of role-playing game where the participants perform some or all of the physical actions of the characters they are playing. LARP may be considered a form of storytelling-based improvisational theater. LARP is alternately called live action role-playing or live role-playing.
Here’s a good place to start: larp.com

{alan} Geocaching. Another brilliant obsession. Geocaching Defined. Geocaching.com “The Official Global GPS Cache Hunt Site”