Category — Unclassified

We thought you should know: Pamelia, the theremin player who was nominated for CRAZIEST LAUGH from Episode 0000008 is going on tour. Says she:

I am hitting london this friday… then off to georgia to tour with barbez to South by Southwest.. then March 25 in Paris, with Sebastien Tellier (first time in a LONG long time… i think a few of you might have seen us way back when we were opening for Air) all of the explicit details are on my site… which has a link to my new my space space!

We’re traveling back from Cali! We’ve stopped-off at some great sites that we’ll tell you about on this week’s show. We’ve been camped outside the Burlingame Museum of Pez, here in Burlingame, California.

We’re using the Kinko’s computers here in Millbrae, responding to all of your emails, but need to wrap this up. Talk to you soon!

Darnell Skruggs, with an apparent eye injury, sends his peace from Cali.

Hank “Handlebar” Hoolihan poses for a photo in Amsterdam.

“I hope this is the future of podcasting … because I hate podcasting and I want to see it die.”
Entertainment Tonight

“A terrorist plot to destroy the Internet.”
O’Reilly Factor

“Allows Heather Graham to save face by saying, ‘at least my sitcom wasn’t THAT bad’.”
TV Guide

“A flaming brown bag of doody on the front porch of podcasting.”
boingboing

“Son, you’re out of the will.”
Terry’s dad

“Daddy, you’re making me cry.”
Roy’s daughter

“I want a divorce.”
Alan’s wife

“You’re fired.”
Owner of company where Bionic Geniuses work

Studies show that 13 out of 10 high school students are flunking math. And a study done in 2005 (or was it 1902?) shows that the majority of high school history students believe there have only been 43 Presidents of the United States, as opposed to the 243.765 Presidents we’ve actually had.

And, perhaps even more egregious, 0 out of 10 students could give the scientific name of every parrot species alive today.

In our continuing patriotic effort to educate and entertain America, the Bionic Geniuses present a new segment to deliver our children from the maw of ignorance. In each “Presidents and Parrots segment” we discuss an American President, and a parrot which we think that President would have owned, had he (or she) ever owned a parrot.

The President: George Washington

Born: February 22, 1732, Westmorland, Virginia. Married to Martha Dandridge Custis Washington. Two step-children from Martha’s previous marriage; 1 daughter and 1 son.

Nicknamed the “father of his country.” Washington’s false teeth were made of hippo ivory and lead, along with the teeth of sheep, cows and humans. He did not however, own a pair of wooden teeth.

The well-known “I cannot tell a lie” story is also a myth. Washington was the first President to have his picture on a stamp. Washington did not have a college degree, and was an Episcopalian.

He was a planter, surveyor and solider, becoming a General in the Continental Army. He also served as a member of Virginia House of Burgesses, (1759-1774); member of Continental Congress, (1774-1775); and chairman of the Constitutional Convention, (1787-1788). A Federalist, Washington served as the first President of the United States (1789-1797).

Washington enjoyed fishing, riding, billiards, cards, reading and walking.
He died December 14, 1799 from a throat infection.

His parrot: Polly
O.K., George Washington actually did have a parrot named Polly. Although in our less-than-exhaustive search we could find no information on Washington’s actual parrot, were we to choose one for him it would probably be the Blue & Gold Parrot.

The Blue and Gold, like Washington, can be said to have a mellow personality and gorgeous coloration.

Also, the Blue and Gold is the most popular macaw species for a pet, while Washington is perhaps our most popular President.

Another link: The Blue and Gold is a large bird, although quite gentle, and can make a great family pet if provided with a large cage and lots of exercise. Washington was also a tall man, and gentle unless provoked by British monarchs.

If you don’t want to wait for your MP3 download, you can stream it online. The SHOW INDEX page has links forthwith.

We’ve also added the Podcast Player within each episode. Launch the player now.

Contact the Bionic Genius Roundtable.
Ask about our holiday tours of the compound!

Email: roundtable at bionic genius dot com

Go Postal: The Bionic Genius Compound, Anytown USA

What do the Bionic Geniuses do in their spare time?

A special Bionic Genius welcome to those of you who’ve bounced our way from boingboing.net. Although you may come to believe so later, there is no mistake. The manly coifs you see depicted above do, indeed, belong to the Bionic Geniuses.

Basically, what we do is this:

During lunch once a week, we sneak off to a conference room and record a podcast. We talk about TV, movies, music, comedy, books, art … you name it. Plus we interview cool and interesting people, like Josh, who rode across America on a Segway and made a documentary (episode 12); Steve Burns (episode 11), the Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players (episode 10), and more. And as if that weren’t enough, we even do our own comedy bits (Chasing Jon Stewart; snowglobe history filmstrip; etc).

So if you’re still awake after reading this, check out episode 13 with Mark from boingboing. When you’re finished, browse around awhile–waste some time with us! Sure, you’ll be sorry you did. And, yes, it’s a few hours of your life you’ll never get back.

But do it for us.
For our moms.
For America.

Latine Loqui Coactus Sum
by Terry Coffey

“Now then.” Dr. Spangler puts down the phone, crosses his legs, and looks over the top of his reading glasses at the young man in the patients’ chair. “I’m a bit confused. You say your name is Josephus?”

The man in the Chicago Cubs sweatshirt and ragged blue jeans doesn’t say anything. He just sits there, staring back at the psychiatrist.

“Come on, Joseph — um, may I call you Joe?.” Dr. Spangler uncrosses his legs and leans forward, his steel gray eyes boring into Joe’s forehead. “I can’t help you, or try to help you, if you won’t talk with me.” Joe shrugs and looks at the diplomas and certificates adorning the south wall of Dr. Spangler’s office.

“Joe, do you think I won’t understand?”

Joe nods.

Dr. Spangler takes off his glasses, stands, and walks to the window. He chews on the ear piece and looks into the dark green of the walnut tree outside. How many of these cases has he had since he came to the Institute? 10? 20? Morgan the research team leader can’t be right — the drugs may be having an impact, but certainly not the wrong impact. “Joe, I can’t promise that I’ll understand…at least, not at first. But, I give you my word that I will try, and that, together, we can beat whatever problem brought you to me.”

Joe clears his throat, and Dr. Spangler turns hopefully back toward him. Maybe this time there will be a breakthrough. “Yes?”

“Latine Loqui Coactus Sum.”

Dr. Spangler sighs. He never imagined this is how high school Latin would turn out to be useful. “What was that?”

“Latine Loqui Coactus Sum.”

Despite his concern, Dr. Spangler is intrigued. This is a side effect he’s not seen among the Institute’s time lab scientists. Most of those affected by whatever it is are totally uncommunicative, a side effect of some trauma suffered during time travel experiments, a side effect which Dr. Spangler’s newly developed drug treatments are supposed to prevent. Instead, Morgan and others at the Institute accuse Spangler’s drugs of doing the opposite — of causing severe mental trauma, leading to psychoses and delusions.

“Joe, I may be a trifle rusty, but, did you say you have a….a compulsion to speak Latin?”

“Ita.” Yes.

“I see.” Dr. Spangler sits down again, balances a yellow legal pad on his knee, and considers this rather unique development. Perhaps he is being manipulated by a worn out team member — or tricked by the overly aggressive Morgan? “How long have you had this…compulsion?”

“Dies pridie heri.”

“The day before yesterday? Do you remember anything that happened that day…anything unusual?”

Joe thinks for a moment. “Revocatio non.”

“You don’t recall?” Dr. Spangler looks through the personnel file, labeled “Joe Millhouse.” The duty sheet inside confirms his own recollection — that Joe took part in a closed experiment at the time lab two days ago, and so underwent drug treatment the day before. “Joe, I’d like to learn a bit more about you. Would you mind answering a few questions for me?”

Joe nods.

“Okay…what is your favorite baseball team?

Joe looks confused, and shrugs.

“Joe, do you understand?”

“Non.”

“Well, since you’re wearing a Chicago Cubs shirt, I thought they might be your favorite baseball team.”

“Catuli. Eamus O Catuli!” Joe grins and pumps a fist in the air.

“Yes, yes. ‘Go Cubs’. Now then, who is your favorite music group?

“Um….Ille Quis?”

” ‘The Who’. All right, who is your Mother?”

It seems to Dr. Spangler that Joe’s eyes suddenly look sad. “Quid agitur de matre mea?”

“I don’t mean to say your Mother has anything to do with this. I just want you to tell me her name. Can you?”

“Ita.”

“What is it, then?”

Silence.

“Joe, what’s her name? Do you remember?”

“Maria.”

“Your favorite television program?”

Joe frowns.

“Television.” Dr. Spangler points toward the 19″ RCA he keeps in the office.

“Ah.” Joe grins. “Insula Gilliganis.”

“What is your wife’s name?”

Joe shakes his head. “Sponsa habere nullus.”

“No wife, eh? Are you still looking? Have you been married before?”

“Non sum paratus me committere.”

“Not ready for a commitment? Well, that describes a lot of us. Tell me, Joe — where were you born?”

Joe looks at his feet, then around the room. When his eyes return to Dr. Spangler, he simply shrugs.

“Ignoro egomet.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know? We all know where we were born…or, at least, brought up.”

Joe sighs. “Roma.”

“Rome? Are you Italian?”

“Non.”

“I see. Were you born there while your parents were visiting?”

Joe glares at Dr. Spangler, a look of anger mixed with disbelief. “Nullo Modo!”

“Was your father in the military?”

“Ita.”

“That would explain it. Now then, why do you think you keep wanting to speak Latin?”

“Nescio quid dicas.”

“Of course you know what I’m talking about. You said so yourself.”

“Tempus meum tero.”

“Joe, you are not wasting your time.” I believe I can help you can resist this compulsion, but we have to start small. Why not tell me what you do for a living — in English?”

“Illud Anglicus dici non potest.”

“Certainly you can say it in English.”

“Latine Loqui coactus sum!”

Dr. Spangler tosses the yellow pad onto his desk and sighs. “Joe, why don’t you tell me why you think you have to speak Latin?”

Joe looks out the window at the afternoon sun, and frowns. “Quantum in una hora imputas?”

“My hourly charges have nothing to do with it. I’m paid by the Institute — same as you are. You know that. Are you indicating displeasure with my services?”

“Credo nos in fluctu eodem esse.”

“If we’re thinking along the same lines, then let me give you some advice. Go back to your room and get some rest. I’ll give you something to help you sleep.”

Joe suddenly stands, digs in his pocket and places several heavy coins on Dr. Spangler’s desk, then walks to the door. He turns back to Dr. Spangler.

“Ego te demitto.”

“Joe, you can’t fire me.”

“Abeo.” Joe slams the door behind him.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been told off by a client in Latin,” Dr. Spangler thinks as he follows Joe out into the reception area. He is more than a little surprised to find his receptionist alone.

“Excuse me, where did Joseph — the young man in the Cubs T-shirt go?

“What man?”

“The man who just came out of my office.”

“I’m sorry, I haven’t seen or heard anyone come in or out all morning. But, who are you?”

Dr. Spangler rubs his head and goes back into his office, deaf to her question. He is wondering why he came to the Institute in the first place. He should have known there was something a little off about a place that conducts time travel experiments. But it was a great way to test his new synthetic drugs on willing subjects. The drugs were designed to focus the mind in moments of mental stress — in essence, to keep the time travelers thinking straight. But members of the research team began having delusions anyway — so severe that they had to be detained and sedated. Not one has yet recovered. To try and determine what’s happening, Spangler has even been in on one or two experiments, where group were supposed to go back to the glory days of Rome. All he remembers is light so bright he had to close his eyes, and spinning around until he felt like throwing up. He took the same drugs as the others — and he has not been affected.

On the desk, he sees the coins left by the young man calling himself Josephus. They are very old, and bear the likeness of Caesar. This can’t be happening. Surely a delusion wouldn’t be carried this far. But, how else can he explain the coins? Dr. Spangler decides he’s had enough for one day. He’ll head for the Institute’s club. Maybe half a round and a drink will clear his head.

When he goes out to tell the receptionist he’s leaving early, and to forward any messages to the club, he notices something strange. She’s wearing a toga.

“Mrs. Greely, why are you wearing that?”

She gives him a strange look, and nods toward two men he hasn’t noticed before, also wearing togas. Maybe there’s a costume party he hasn’t heard about. Maybe this is all an elaborate prank. Perhaps Morgan is behind it?

“Hello, what can I do for you gentlemen?”

“Non comprere,” one say as they grab him by his arms and lead him toward a strange-looking door. “Non comprere.”

They open the door and shove him through. A blinding light tears into his eyes, and his ears are filled with the roaring of a great crowd, and the growls of lions. Is this his own delusion? That must be the answer! Or is it?

There is the sensation of long, coarse hair against his arm, and the hot breath of fear on his neck as he slips into unconsciousness.

Photo evidence suggests musician, former Blue’s Clues host did, indeed, die in a whaling accident off Nova Scotia.

For years, rumors have circulated regarding the untimely demise of Steve Burns, the musician, actor, producer and former host of “Blue’s Clues”. The most recent gossip had Burns passing away in a whaling accident off the coast of Nova Scotia.

Photo evidence has now come to light that apparently backs up this rumor. A photo taken on a Bionic Genius research expedition shows Burns on deck, harpoon still planted deep within, as the Geniuses prepare for a burial at sea.

According to Bionic Genius Josh, Burns was taking a dip in the frigid waters when he was accidentally harpooned by a whaling ship, the crew of which mistook his large, wet beard and mustache for the hair of a rare type of whale, the Hairy Pygmy Whale.

“We are all saddened by this tragic event,” said Bionic Genius Josh, who serves as spokesman for the group “mostly because our insurance will now skyrocket. And also because he predicted this on our weekly podcast, the Bionic Genius Roundtable, and so it will look suspicious, I’m sure. By the way, for tax purposes I’m an intern. And don’t forget to buy a Bionic Genius shirt.”

While we at the Bionic Genius Roundtable are glad to have Josh on board, we also recognize that no intern can survive on what we are able to pay him–basically enough to keep his beard trimmed and to buy crackers for his Myna bird, Polly. To that end, we have decided to lend our not insignificant talent and resources to his job search.

Below is Josh’s resume. On a more personal note, the Bionic Geniuses wish to add that Josh is hard-working, conscientious, talented, knowledgeable, and able to sit for a long time without saying anything. At all. Really. It’s kind of freaky. Plus he likes Pina Coladas, gettin caught in the rain, he’s not much into health food but he is into champagne.

Hire him. Now. He’s driving us crazy.

Update: Josh was hired and spent his last week at the roundtable. We’ll keep you updated on his advancement through the fast-food industry. | 02/06/2006

These are names from actual emails we’ve received. If your funny name appears on our list, please take us off of your list. If not, please add your name below.

Crotchety M. Jumbled
Nightstick F. Banditry
Atrocious J. Bureaucracy
Cork H. Ruckus
Suits D. Souls
Rockers H. Pier
Midshipman M. Pocketful
Makeshifts U. Delicacy
Unpaved D. Inflect
Koestler A. Foolhardiness
Whenever H. Acknowledgment
Amplitude B. Inert
Discharge H. Aunt
Tangies V. Brigadoon
Surrogate R. Cerulean
Colette G. Brotherhood
Symphony F. Falsified
Bernadette Bumpers
Heedlessness Q. Disheveled
Jesus Carter
Miscarriages C. Crisscrossed
Coating V. Femora
Choreographer J. Stoic
Engraving M. Dushanbe
Stabbings E. Pawed
Mortgagers J. Bohemian
Splines V. Roughage
Consortium H. Lithograph
Broom F. Regrettably
Condenses E. Jabbing
Methadone L. Detectable
Democrat M. Nevadan
Robbed V. Rimbaud
用自己的血汗 去成就老板的事业
Convertibles M. Interceptions
Transsexual G. Neurotics
Appearing E. Damnably
Grist J. Propagandized
Winnebago K. Lottery
Bristly K. Pilfered
Shittier J. Enormity
Proust F. Waken
Scatted I. Inferiority
Check S. Chittagong
Prefigure J. Deputy
Mislay F. Porphyry
Lay Melba
Polkaed S. Simpletons
Melville B. Inexpert
Misdiagnose T. Flailing
Brahmanism H. Kaunda
Slavers T. Wrathed
Spoils C. Alcove
Bunyan D. Repelling
Pace Q. Roars
Belied A. Oleomargarine
Keyhole R. Spiritualist
Reinvents V. Alms
Honorary H. Tardiest
Gerontologists J. Aptitudes
Preamble H. Moustache
Continents F. Furled
Leviathan R. Soapsuds
Seller J. Emolument
Preserver J. Nurse
Rape Q. Saloon
Ledges F. Closeout
Coven O. Tendon
Bishop G. Darn
Vaccination S. Nephew
Phoebe H. Tabboconists
Handstands M. Duality
Graven L. Antics
Benumbs A. Digit
Riskiness B. Sabbaths
Pallab Schultheis
Butcher H. Occurrences
Reads P. Abundant
Cigar G. Patriarchs
Slaughterhouse S. Haunch
Litigious H. Slimier
Deregulates S. Beeper
Zebra H. Bifocals
Ascent H. Atrocity
Aviation T. Despondency
Oberlin L. Invincible
Dimpled P. Misstepping
Watering P. Wallflowers
Hoarder G. Exclaimed
Treacherously R. Adams
Reversion M. Mamet
Aquanauts C. Candying
Faulting R. Immunizing
Breezed B. Standout
Taboos H. Baffoonery
Confluence P. Insanity
Manure L. Mischances
Lea E Herbivores
Morons H. Stout
Dreariness T. Grip
Brooking U. Squirrels
Mender M. Lusted
Geraniums H. Lightheartedly
Worshiping M. Vocal
Bourbon J. Seems
Engineer L. Bulgaria
Chokers H. Trusties
Fogy B. Hennaing
Chihuahua H. Overgenerous
Haughtier E. Mycenaean
Brushwood I. Sneers
Misreading Q. Essex
Spirits Q. Presents
Seawards G. Whalebone
Galvanometer L. Miranda
Safflowers L. Greensleeves
Timberland J. Amniocentesis
Naves V. Excommunicate
Damning D. Emaciate
Biodegradable H. Scrapbook
Fulfillment Q. Northampton
Caned B. Emmanuel
Repeal H. Ambush
Angstroms V. Panoply
Seceded J. Reopened
Marriageable B. Returnee
Yankel Raiford
Blatant R. Yeas
Ogbomosho H. Quantity
Antipathy M. Housewarming
Dulls J. Bailiffs
Sexually M. Zoe
Reentered H. Raggedness
Shania Godbolt
Patinas G. Reserves
Surpasses C. Kristine
Unforeseen Q. Comradeship
Traitor B. Enticement
Brice B. Statesmanship
Downloading C. Speakeasy
Pirouette R. Ticker
Shore V. Constructor
Scanned B. Claudine
Preliminaries U. Persuasively
Folios U. Pas
Prefigure I. Estonian
Darth M. Carnation
Homosexuality I. Landings
Chidubem Pilarski
Guadalupe Cunningham
Plotting Q. Smithsonian
Pentameter H. Penalty
Inductee D. Scheat
Shun C. Sorriest
Pennington O. Salable
Stresses D. Zelma
Grinning T. Spores
Mull I. Sprinkling
Perkiness A. Hiss
Heehaws V. Disconcerts
Handmaid D. Kopek
Caverns A. Jogger
Kilometer I. Bremen
Communicates G. Collie
Rejoicings H. Gastronomical
Hewlett P. Modular
Buchanan C. Decapitates
Wezen U. Prissy
Replaces J. Bugger
Rockiest G. Pillow
Porringer T. Elise
Coleridge C. Restaurants
Eclipses D. Sari
Synthesis A. Moronic
Vestry Q. Peregrination
Bethinks K. Obsessive
Poland T. Excommunication
Freewheels J. Expedition
Prudential F. Espinoza
Idaho T. Replication
Upbraiding D. Natty
Hypocrisy F. Grenadiers
Selznick G. Rancorously
Toughed Q. Wilding
Tashkent K. Heel
Replication J. Warbled
Corresponds O. Deliria
Sniftered Q. Garnisheed
Focusing T. Textbook
Shank E. Legionnaire
Flaky G. Veld
Granulates G. Montessori
Plea V. Creosote
Muhammed Hedlee
Chunkier E. Main
Apertures I. Neutrality
Bedsore U. Artisans
Ballsiest T. Converter
Respecting P. Inefficiently
Buddings G. Exoneration
Canvasses K. Damian
Shapely I. Doubleday
Mixer E. Unraveled
Meatball H. Freestanding
Farmland V. Sanctifies
Displayed U. Tyros
Disparages P. Thymus
Oldfield P. Angina
Closet H. Separates
Daintier S. Osman
Longish L. Oblivious
Virginity G. Delphinia
Duckling H. Jackal
Stressed D. Exult
Soulfully R. Debriefs
Violin F. Czechs
Refresh E. Decisiveness
Spatters O. Headwinds
Stayed H. Unscrambles
Wedgwood I. Legibility
Auctioneer C. Parochial
Raisin S. Smelted
Yoruba J. Liquids
Sequoya I. Bitterer
Multiply B. Triplicate
Lena E. Glinting
Tiptoes Q. Winced
Jalousies U. Extincted
Stovepipes H. Betwixt
Buttercup J. Demagnetize
Medic M. Advisability
Parroted C. Gymnasia
Quietest M. Rainstorm
Pottery G. Misdirection
Winnipeg F. Stinker
Jansenist P. Nightgowns
Pottery G. Misdirection
Massive L. Coach
Regor C. Soothing
Blessedest C. Intangible
Roof P. Flimflams
Unforgiving D. Nimbleness
Dripped F. Pushovers
Sustained J. Impresarios
Acidity U. Codicil
Needy T. Clem
Массовые рекламные
Glossed G. Imbued
Cryptograms B. Languor
Projectionist M. Bureaucracy
Verdi R. Cashed
Bernadette Bumpers
Phalluses J. Psychopathic

You could browse the site for our shows, or just select from the links below.
NOVEMBER 2005

Episode 0000001 | The Meet & Greet Issue

Episode 0000002 | Dipping the Bionic Toe in the Water Issue

Episode 0000003 | 2005 Thanksgiving Special | Stream it

Episode 0000004 | The Snowglobe Issue | Stream it

DECEMBER 2005

Episode 0000005 | The Lutefisk Issue | Stream it

Episode 0000006 | The Life Day Issue | Stream it

Episode 0000007 | The Christmas Slay Issue | Stream it

Episode 0000008 | The Theremin Issue | Stream it

JANUARY 2006

Episode 0000009 | Coming in on a Wing and a Prayer | Stream it

Episode 0000010 | The Trachtenburg Issue | Stream it

Episode 0000011 | Blue Dustmites Issue | Stream it

Episode 0000012 | And Speaking of Segways | Stream it

FEBRUARY 2006

Episode 0000013 | Bionic BoingBoing | Stream it

Episode 0000014 | Bionic Train Wreck | Stream it

Episode 0000015 | Jibber Jabber Issue | Stream it

Episode 0000016 | The Go Monkey Go Issue | Stream it

March 2006

Episode 0000017 | The Podsker Awards Issue | Stream it

Episode 0000018 | Genius on Bored | Stream it

Episode 0000019 | Fade to Bluegrass | Stream it

Episode 0000020 | Off the Wagon | Stream it

April 2006

Episode 0000021 | The Buck Stops Here | Stream it

Episode 0000022 | Poetic License Revoked | Stream it

Episode 0000023 | Time Travel Issue | Stream it

Episode 0000024 | Where’s Roy? | Stream it

Episode 0000025 | Rock n’ Droll | Stream it

May 2006

Episode 0000026 | Bionic Cowpokes Issue | Stream it

Episode 0000027 | The Running Man | Stream it

Episode 0000028 | The Reel Genius Issue | Stream it

Episode 0000029 | The Lost Episode | Stream it

June 2006

Episode 0000030 | Schoolhouse Rock | Stream it

Episode 0000031 | Now With More Pulp | Stream it

CAFF! Sorry so dusty… we need another intern

If you haven’t already subscribed to our feed, you can do it right here and right now!

Do you use iTunes? Yahoo? Just click a link below to subscribe. This way, each and every issue will come knocking at your door. If it appears that after the knocking, all that’s left is a flaming bag on the front porch, DO NOT stomp on it.