Posts from — January 2006

This week we speak with Josh Caldwell, who rode a Segway across America.

Topics include:
What Does a Genius Eat for Lunch?

Shout-out to the Joan and Jeff Show.

Chasing Jon Stewart Update

Josh gets promoted to Science Officer

Discussion: Gilligans Island the Movie Casting of the Castaways

Win a Bionic Genius T-Shirt! Listen how now, mien frau.

Special Interview: Josh Caldwell — the genius bi-wheeled biped who Segwayed the USA. Visit his website: www.10MPH.com

Sing along with us as we wish Roy a happy birthday.

CALL US and leave a message: 206-NOODLE-6. If we like you, we will put you on the show.

Latine Loqui Coactus Sum
by Terry Coffey

“Now then.” Dr. Spangler puts down the phone, crosses his legs, and looks over the top of his reading glasses at the young man in the patients’ chair. “I’m a bit confused. You say your name is Josephus?”

The man in the Chicago Cubs sweatshirt and ragged blue jeans doesn’t say anything. He just sits there, staring back at the psychiatrist.

“Come on, Joseph — um, may I call you Joe?.” Dr. Spangler uncrosses his legs and leans forward, his steel gray eyes boring into Joe’s forehead. “I can’t help you, or try to help you, if you won’t talk with me.” Joe shrugs and looks at the diplomas and certificates adorning the south wall of Dr. Spangler’s office.

“Joe, do you think I won’t understand?”

Joe nods.

Dr. Spangler takes off his glasses, stands, and walks to the window. He chews on the ear piece and looks into the dark green of the walnut tree outside. How many of these cases has he had since he came to the Institute? 10? 20? Morgan the research team leader can’t be right — the drugs may be having an impact, but certainly not the wrong impact. “Joe, I can’t promise that I’ll understand…at least, not at first. But, I give you my word that I will try, and that, together, we can beat whatever problem brought you to me.”

Joe clears his throat, and Dr. Spangler turns hopefully back toward him. Maybe this time there will be a breakthrough. “Yes?”

“Latine Loqui Coactus Sum.”

Dr. Spangler sighs. He never imagined this is how high school Latin would turn out to be useful. “What was that?”

“Latine Loqui Coactus Sum.”

Despite his concern, Dr. Spangler is intrigued. This is a side effect he’s not seen among the Institute’s time lab scientists. Most of those affected by whatever it is are totally uncommunicative, a side effect of some trauma suffered during time travel experiments, a side effect which Dr. Spangler’s newly developed drug treatments are supposed to prevent. Instead, Morgan and others at the Institute accuse Spangler’s drugs of doing the opposite — of causing severe mental trauma, leading to psychoses and delusions.

“Joe, I may be a trifle rusty, but, did you say you have a….a compulsion to speak Latin?”

“Ita.” Yes.

“I see.” Dr. Spangler sits down again, balances a yellow legal pad on his knee, and considers this rather unique development. Perhaps he is being manipulated by a worn out team member — or tricked by the overly aggressive Morgan? “How long have you had this…compulsion?”

“Dies pridie heri.”

“The day before yesterday? Do you remember anything that happened that day…anything unusual?”

Joe thinks for a moment. “Revocatio non.”

“You don’t recall?” Dr. Spangler looks through the personnel file, labeled “Joe Millhouse.” The duty sheet inside confirms his own recollection — that Joe took part in a closed experiment at the time lab two days ago, and so underwent drug treatment the day before. “Joe, I’d like to learn a bit more about you. Would you mind answering a few questions for me?”

Joe nods.

“Okay…what is your favorite baseball team?

Joe looks confused, and shrugs.

“Joe, do you understand?”

“Non.”

“Well, since you’re wearing a Chicago Cubs shirt, I thought they might be your favorite baseball team.”

“Catuli. Eamus O Catuli!” Joe grins and pumps a fist in the air.

“Yes, yes. ‘Go Cubs’. Now then, who is your favorite music group?

“Um….Ille Quis?”

” ‘The Who’. All right, who is your Mother?”

It seems to Dr. Spangler that Joe’s eyes suddenly look sad. “Quid agitur de matre mea?”

“I don’t mean to say your Mother has anything to do with this. I just want you to tell me her name. Can you?”

“Ita.”

“What is it, then?”

Silence.

“Joe, what’s her name? Do you remember?”

“Maria.”

“Your favorite television program?”

Joe frowns.

“Television.” Dr. Spangler points toward the 19″ RCA he keeps in the office.

“Ah.” Joe grins. “Insula Gilliganis.”

“What is your wife’s name?”

Joe shakes his head. “Sponsa habere nullus.”

“No wife, eh? Are you still looking? Have you been married before?”

“Non sum paratus me committere.”

“Not ready for a commitment? Well, that describes a lot of us. Tell me, Joe — where were you born?”

Joe looks at his feet, then around the room. When his eyes return to Dr. Spangler, he simply shrugs.

“Ignoro egomet.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know? We all know where we were born…or, at least, brought up.”

Joe sighs. “Roma.”

“Rome? Are you Italian?”

“Non.”

“I see. Were you born there while your parents were visiting?”

Joe glares at Dr. Spangler, a look of anger mixed with disbelief. “Nullo Modo!”

“Was your father in the military?”

“Ita.”

“That would explain it. Now then, why do you think you keep wanting to speak Latin?”

“Nescio quid dicas.”

“Of course you know what I’m talking about. You said so yourself.”

“Tempus meum tero.”

“Joe, you are not wasting your time.” I believe I can help you can resist this compulsion, but we have to start small. Why not tell me what you do for a living — in English?”

“Illud Anglicus dici non potest.”

“Certainly you can say it in English.”

“Latine Loqui coactus sum!”

Dr. Spangler tosses the yellow pad onto his desk and sighs. “Joe, why don’t you tell me why you think you have to speak Latin?”

Joe looks out the window at the afternoon sun, and frowns. “Quantum in una hora imputas?”

“My hourly charges have nothing to do with it. I’m paid by the Institute — same as you are. You know that. Are you indicating displeasure with my services?”

“Credo nos in fluctu eodem esse.”

“If we’re thinking along the same lines, then let me give you some advice. Go back to your room and get some rest. I’ll give you something to help you sleep.”

Joe suddenly stands, digs in his pocket and places several heavy coins on Dr. Spangler’s desk, then walks to the door. He turns back to Dr. Spangler.

“Ego te demitto.”

“Joe, you can’t fire me.”

“Abeo.” Joe slams the door behind him.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been told off by a client in Latin,” Dr. Spangler thinks as he follows Joe out into the reception area. He is more than a little surprised to find his receptionist alone.

“Excuse me, where did Joseph — the young man in the Cubs T-shirt go?

“What man?”

“The man who just came out of my office.”

“I’m sorry, I haven’t seen or heard anyone come in or out all morning. But, who are you?”

Dr. Spangler rubs his head and goes back into his office, deaf to her question. He is wondering why he came to the Institute in the first place. He should have known there was something a little off about a place that conducts time travel experiments. But it was a great way to test his new synthetic drugs on willing subjects. The drugs were designed to focus the mind in moments of mental stress — in essence, to keep the time travelers thinking straight. But members of the research team began having delusions anyway — so severe that they had to be detained and sedated. Not one has yet recovered. To try and determine what’s happening, Spangler has even been in on one or two experiments, where group were supposed to go back to the glory days of Rome. All he remembers is light so bright he had to close his eyes, and spinning around until he felt like throwing up. He took the same drugs as the others — and he has not been affected.

On the desk, he sees the coins left by the young man calling himself Josephus. They are very old, and bear the likeness of Caesar. This can’t be happening. Surely a delusion wouldn’t be carried this far. But, how else can he explain the coins? Dr. Spangler decides he’s had enough for one day. He’ll head for the Institute’s club. Maybe half a round and a drink will clear his head.

When he goes out to tell the receptionist he’s leaving early, and to forward any messages to the club, he notices something strange. She’s wearing a toga.

“Mrs. Greely, why are you wearing that?”

She gives him a strange look, and nods toward two men he hasn’t noticed before, also wearing togas. Maybe there’s a costume party he hasn’t heard about. Maybe this is all an elaborate prank. Perhaps Morgan is behind it?

“Hello, what can I do for you gentlemen?”

“Non comprere,” one say as they grab him by his arms and lead him toward a strange-looking door. “Non comprere.”

They open the door and shove him through. A blinding light tears into his eyes, and his ears are filled with the roaring of a great crowd, and the growls of lions. Is this his own delusion? That must be the answer! Or is it?

There is the sensation of long, coarse hair against his arm, and the hot breath of fear on his neck as he slips into unconsciousness.

Photo evidence suggests musician, former Blue’s Clues host did, indeed, die in a whaling accident off Nova Scotia.

For years, rumors have circulated regarding the untimely demise of Steve Burns, the musician, actor, producer and former host of “Blue’s Clues”. The most recent gossip had Burns passing away in a whaling accident off the coast of Nova Scotia.

Photo evidence has now come to light that apparently backs up this rumor. A photo taken on a Bionic Genius research expedition shows Burns on deck, harpoon still planted deep within, as the Geniuses prepare for a burial at sea.

According to Bionic Genius Josh, Burns was taking a dip in the frigid waters when he was accidentally harpooned by a whaling ship, the crew of which mistook his large, wet beard and mustache for the hair of a rare type of whale, the Hairy Pygmy Whale.

“We are all saddened by this tragic event,” said Bionic Genius Josh, who serves as spokesman for the group “mostly because our insurance will now skyrocket. And also because he predicted this on our weekly podcast, the Bionic Genius Roundtable, and so it will look suspicious, I’m sure. By the way, for tax purposes I’m an intern. And don’t forget to buy a Bionic Genius shirt.”

The Geniuses are proud to offer this exciting interview show to you. Steve Burns joins us from New York to discuss his genius music and life after Blues Clues. {thanks for the moustache – grown exclusively for our show}

Episode 0000011 features:

What Does a Genius Eat for Lunch?

Chasing Jon Stewart Update

This Week in History

Special Interview: Steve Burns — genius musician and ex Blues Clues host — waxes about Love and Science.
Buy SONGS FOR DUSTMITES and visit Steves website at www.steveswebpage.com

Steve joins us for the first and last DEAD OR SCIENTOLOGIST game show

Be sure not to miss the Time Traveler Convention held at MIT: May 2, 2005.

Casting the Gilligans Island movie

CALL US and leave a message: 206-NOODLE-6

While we at the Bionic Genius Roundtable are glad to have Josh on board, we also recognize that no intern can survive on what we are able to pay him–basically enough to keep his beard trimmed and to buy crackers for his Myna bird, Polly. To that end, we have decided to lend our not insignificant talent and resources to his job search.

Below is Josh’s resume. On a more personal note, the Bionic Geniuses wish to add that Josh is hard-working, conscientious, talented, knowledgeable, and able to sit for a long time without saying anything. At all. Really. It’s kind of freaky. Plus he likes Pina Coladas, gettin caught in the rain, he’s not much into health food but he is into champagne.

Hire him. Now. He’s driving us crazy.

Update: Josh was hired and spent his last week at the roundtable. We’ll keep you updated on his advancement through the fast-food industry. | 02/06/2006

These are names from actual emails we’ve received. If your funny name appears on our list, please take us off of your list. If not, please add your name below.

Crotchety M. Jumbled
Nightstick F. Banditry
Atrocious J. Bureaucracy
Cork H. Ruckus
Suits D. Souls
Rockers H. Pier
Midshipman M. Pocketful
Makeshifts U. Delicacy
Unpaved D. Inflect
Koestler A. Foolhardiness
Whenever H. Acknowledgment
Amplitude B. Inert
Discharge H. Aunt
Tangies V. Brigadoon
Surrogate R. Cerulean
Colette G. Brotherhood
Symphony F. Falsified
Bernadette Bumpers
Heedlessness Q. Disheveled
Jesus Carter
Miscarriages C. Crisscrossed
Coating V. Femora
Choreographer J. Stoic
Engraving M. Dushanbe
Stabbings E. Pawed
Mortgagers J. Bohemian
Splines V. Roughage
Consortium H. Lithograph
Broom F. Regrettably
Condenses E. Jabbing
Methadone L. Detectable
Democrat M. Nevadan
Robbed V. Rimbaud
用自己的血汗 去成就老板的事业
Convertibles M. Interceptions
Transsexual G. Neurotics
Appearing E. Damnably
Grist J. Propagandized
Winnebago K. Lottery
Bristly K. Pilfered
Shittier J. Enormity
Proust F. Waken
Scatted I. Inferiority
Check S. Chittagong
Prefigure J. Deputy
Mislay F. Porphyry
Lay Melba
Polkaed S. Simpletons
Melville B. Inexpert
Misdiagnose T. Flailing
Brahmanism H. Kaunda
Slavers T. Wrathed
Spoils C. Alcove
Bunyan D. Repelling
Pace Q. Roars
Belied A. Oleomargarine
Keyhole R. Spiritualist
Reinvents V. Alms
Honorary H. Tardiest
Gerontologists J. Aptitudes
Preamble H. Moustache
Continents F. Furled
Leviathan R. Soapsuds
Seller J. Emolument
Preserver J. Nurse
Rape Q. Saloon
Ledges F. Closeout
Coven O. Tendon
Bishop G. Darn
Vaccination S. Nephew
Phoebe H. Tabboconists
Handstands M. Duality
Graven L. Antics
Benumbs A. Digit
Riskiness B. Sabbaths
Pallab Schultheis
Butcher H. Occurrences
Reads P. Abundant
Cigar G. Patriarchs
Slaughterhouse S. Haunch
Litigious H. Slimier
Deregulates S. Beeper
Zebra H. Bifocals
Ascent H. Atrocity
Aviation T. Despondency
Oberlin L. Invincible
Dimpled P. Misstepping
Watering P. Wallflowers
Hoarder G. Exclaimed
Treacherously R. Adams
Reversion M. Mamet
Aquanauts C. Candying
Faulting R. Immunizing
Breezed B. Standout
Taboos H. Baffoonery
Confluence P. Insanity
Manure L. Mischances
Lea E Herbivores
Morons H. Stout
Dreariness T. Grip
Brooking U. Squirrels
Mender M. Lusted
Geraniums H. Lightheartedly
Worshiping M. Vocal
Bourbon J. Seems
Engineer L. Bulgaria
Chokers H. Trusties
Fogy B. Hennaing
Chihuahua H. Overgenerous
Haughtier E. Mycenaean
Brushwood I. Sneers
Misreading Q. Essex
Spirits Q. Presents
Seawards G. Whalebone
Galvanometer L. Miranda
Safflowers L. Greensleeves
Timberland J. Amniocentesis
Naves V. Excommunicate
Damning D. Emaciate
Biodegradable H. Scrapbook
Fulfillment Q. Northampton
Caned B. Emmanuel
Repeal H. Ambush
Angstroms V. Panoply
Seceded J. Reopened
Marriageable B. Returnee
Yankel Raiford
Blatant R. Yeas
Ogbomosho H. Quantity
Antipathy M. Housewarming
Dulls J. Bailiffs
Sexually M. Zoe
Reentered H. Raggedness
Shania Godbolt
Patinas G. Reserves
Surpasses C. Kristine
Unforeseen Q. Comradeship
Traitor B. Enticement
Brice B. Statesmanship
Downloading C. Speakeasy
Pirouette R. Ticker
Shore V. Constructor
Scanned B. Claudine
Preliminaries U. Persuasively
Folios U. Pas
Prefigure I. Estonian
Darth M. Carnation
Homosexuality I. Landings
Chidubem Pilarski
Guadalupe Cunningham
Plotting Q. Smithsonian
Pentameter H. Penalty
Inductee D. Scheat
Shun C. Sorriest
Pennington O. Salable
Stresses D. Zelma
Grinning T. Spores
Mull I. Sprinkling
Perkiness A. Hiss
Heehaws V. Disconcerts
Handmaid D. Kopek
Caverns A. Jogger
Kilometer I. Bremen
Communicates G. Collie
Rejoicings H. Gastronomical
Hewlett P. Modular
Buchanan C. Decapitates
Wezen U. Prissy
Replaces J. Bugger
Rockiest G. Pillow
Porringer T. Elise
Coleridge C. Restaurants
Eclipses D. Sari
Synthesis A. Moronic
Vestry Q. Peregrination
Bethinks K. Obsessive
Poland T. Excommunication
Freewheels J. Expedition
Prudential F. Espinoza
Idaho T. Replication
Upbraiding D. Natty
Hypocrisy F. Grenadiers
Selznick G. Rancorously
Toughed Q. Wilding
Tashkent K. Heel
Replication J. Warbled
Corresponds O. Deliria
Sniftered Q. Garnisheed
Focusing T. Textbook
Shank E. Legionnaire
Flaky G. Veld
Granulates G. Montessori
Plea V. Creosote
Muhammed Hedlee
Chunkier E. Main
Apertures I. Neutrality
Bedsore U. Artisans
Ballsiest T. Converter
Respecting P. Inefficiently
Buddings G. Exoneration
Canvasses K. Damian
Shapely I. Doubleday
Mixer E. Unraveled
Meatball H. Freestanding
Farmland V. Sanctifies
Displayed U. Tyros
Disparages P. Thymus
Oldfield P. Angina
Closet H. Separates
Daintier S. Osman
Longish L. Oblivious
Virginity G. Delphinia
Duckling H. Jackal
Stressed D. Exult
Soulfully R. Debriefs
Violin F. Czechs
Refresh E. Decisiveness
Spatters O. Headwinds
Stayed H. Unscrambles
Wedgwood I. Legibility
Auctioneer C. Parochial
Raisin S. Smelted
Yoruba J. Liquids
Sequoya I. Bitterer
Multiply B. Triplicate
Lena E. Glinting
Tiptoes Q. Winced
Jalousies U. Extincted
Stovepipes H. Betwixt
Buttercup J. Demagnetize
Medic M. Advisability
Parroted C. Gymnasia
Quietest M. Rainstorm
Pottery G. Misdirection
Winnipeg F. Stinker
Jansenist P. Nightgowns
Pottery G. Misdirection
Massive L. Coach
Regor C. Soothing
Blessedest C. Intangible
Roof P. Flimflams
Unforgiving D. Nimbleness
Dripped F. Pushovers
Sustained J. Impresarios
Acidity U. Codicil
Needy T. Clem
Массовые рекламные
Glossed G. Imbued
Cryptograms B. Languor
Projectionist M. Bureaucracy
Verdi R. Cashed
Bernadette Bumpers
Phalluses J. Psychopathic

The Geniuses are proud to offer this exciting interview show to you. If you have never heard of The Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players, you are in for a treat!
Enjoy!

Episode 0000010 features:

Chasing Jon Stewart Update: This week we call the New York office of The Comedy Central Network. Listen as we get all the way to ONE DEGREE of separation.

The first-ever Bionic Genius Dance-Off. Join us in a dance to stay healthy.

Special music feature: the Trachtenburg Interview. Jason and Rachael Trachtenburg share with us a taste of what it’s like to live as Partridges.

The Trachtenburgs play us out.

Visit the Trachtenburg Family at www.SLIDESHOWPLAYERS.com

Upcoming issues will feature the JIB-JAB fellas, musical genius Steve Burns, and a pair of Segway enthusiasts share all.

You could browse the site for our shows, or just select from the links below.
NOVEMBER 2005

Episode 0000001 | The Meet & Greet Issue

Episode 0000002 | Dipping the Bionic Toe in the Water Issue

Episode 0000003 | 2005 Thanksgiving Special | Stream it

Episode 0000004 | The Snowglobe Issue | Stream it

DECEMBER 2005

Episode 0000005 | The Lutefisk Issue | Stream it

Episode 0000006 | The Life Day Issue | Stream it

Episode 0000007 | The Christmas Slay Issue | Stream it

Episode 0000008 | The Theremin Issue | Stream it

JANUARY 2006

Episode 0000009 | Coming in on a Wing and a Prayer | Stream it

Episode 0000010 | The Trachtenburg Issue | Stream it

Episode 0000011 | Blue Dustmites Issue | Stream it

Episode 0000012 | And Speaking of Segways | Stream it

FEBRUARY 2006

Episode 0000013 | Bionic BoingBoing | Stream it

Episode 0000014 | Bionic Train Wreck | Stream it

Episode 0000015 | Jibber Jabber Issue | Stream it

Episode 0000016 | The Go Monkey Go Issue | Stream it

March 2006

Episode 0000017 | The Podsker Awards Issue | Stream it

Episode 0000018 | Genius on Bored | Stream it

Episode 0000019 | Fade to Bluegrass | Stream it

Episode 0000020 | Off the Wagon | Stream it

April 2006

Episode 0000021 | The Buck Stops Here | Stream it

Episode 0000022 | Poetic License Revoked | Stream it

Episode 0000023 | Time Travel Issue | Stream it

Episode 0000024 | Where’s Roy? | Stream it

Episode 0000025 | Rock n’ Droll | Stream it

May 2006

Episode 0000026 | Bionic Cowpokes Issue | Stream it

Episode 0000027 | The Running Man | Stream it

Episode 0000028 | The Reel Genius Issue | Stream it

Episode 0000029 | The Lost Episode | Stream it

June 2006

Episode 0000030 | Schoolhouse Rock | Stream it

Episode 0000031 | Now With More Pulp | Stream it

CAFF! Sorry so dusty… we need another intern

If you haven’t already subscribed to our feed, you can do it right here and right now!

Do you use iTunes? Yahoo? Just click a link below to subscribe. This way, each and every issue will come knocking at your door. If it appears that after the knocking, all that’s left is a flaming bag on the front porch, DO NOT stomp on it.

Are you a Bionic Genius? Take our test and find out!

1. How much of your body is made up of bionic (i.e. non-organic) matter?

A. 100%

B. 75%

C. 50%

D. 25%

E. It’s a violation of my rights to ask this question

2. Which best describes your memory:

A. Steel trap

B. Rusty cage

C. Broken

D. Breached dam

E. Highly selective (remember trivia, not important stuff)

F. Lowly selective (remember important stuff, not trivia)

3. If you knew you were going to be shipwrecked alone on a desert island, what would you take along?

A. CD collection and player

B. DVD collection and player

C. Book collection

D. Suntan lotion

E. High-powered short-wave radio

F. None of the above-I’d stay home

4. Rate the following for hokiness/classic status (1 being classic, 5 being hokey):

A. Captain and Tenille (excluding Muskrat Love) ___

B. Tony Orlando and Dawn ___

C. Tom Jones ___

D. Wayne Newton ___

E. Heart ___

5. Rate the following movies from worst to best, 5 being worst and 1 being best:

A. Cocktail

B. Star Wars The Phantom Menace

C. Jiminy Glick in Lalawood

D. Big Mama’s House

E. Cheaper By the Dozen (remake starring Steve Martin)

6. Which of the following statements is/are true:

A. Santa Claus is a vampire

B. The Easter Bunny is on the payroll of the America Dental Association

C. As a baby, Michael Jackson was abducted by aliens and replaced with a Martian

D. Interns are expendable

E. All of the above

7. (Men only) If you were a female impersonator, whom would you impersonate?

A. Marilyn Monroe

B. Bette Midler

C. Barbra Streisand

D. Joan Rivers

E. Nathan Lane

8. (Women only) If you were a male impersonator, whom would you impersonate?

A. Nathan Lane

B. Matthew Broderick

C. Michael Jackson

D. Elijah Wood

E. Melissa Etheridge

9. Your pet of choice would be:

A. Dog

B. Cat

C. Fish

D. Hamster

E. Princess Leia

10. Favorite Bionic Genius:

A. Alan

B. Roy

C. Terry

D. Alajandro the intern

E. Josh the intern

Answers: 1, E; 2, E; 3, F; 4, A-1 B-5 C-1 D-5 E-5; 5, A-5 B-5 C-5 D-5 E-5; 6, E; 7, E; 8, E; 9, E; 10, E.

The Geniuses are proud to offer this exciting podcast to you. If you are fans of Wings music, you will love this celebrity interview. Enjoy!

Episode 0000009 features:

Chasing Jon Stewart Update: Special phone interview with Drew Carey – a busy man in the entertainment industry. We talked with Drew about Q95s the Bob and Tom Show. Visit the Bob and Tom website: www.BOBANDTOM.com

Special music feature: the WING Interview. Wing talks about her appearance on South Park, music and her up-coming Elvis album. Visit the Wing website: www.WINGTUNES.com

Lutefisk Update – Frozen Solid

Discussion of upcoming issues featuring the JIB-JAB fellas and the Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players.

The Chronicles of Narnia discussion – animation and hoo-ha.

Wing plays us out.

Are you genius enough?
TAKE THE TEST.